Cars are great, we need them, we love them, we give them names, we don’t give them names, we wash them with care, we change their fluids and parts as if they were a member of our families!
But, before you buy that dream car you’re looking at on the internet, or through your curtains at your Yuppie neighbour’s driveway, you’ll need to know some very important questions to ask the dealer or the company. Here they are, in no particular order, or rather, in a very specific numerical order! Here goes!
1. Are the wheels firmly attached? If not, can you give me the device to attach the wheels for half-price?
2. Is the engine in the front or the back? Or is it pedal-powered, Flintstones style?
3. Is there an alcohol dispensing unit in the car?
4. Next to the cup-holder right there, that little compartment there, can I store little bags of Heroin in that!?
5. Can I have a sunroof installed, but rather than put it on the roof, can you put it on the bottom of the car, so I can see all the roads and shit beneath me?
6. Will the car explode if a Russian gangster shoots a bullet into my gas-tank? I’ve got into some bad debt, so it may very well happen?
7. Is the car a Liverpool fan or a Manchester United fan?
8. In order to reduce unpleasant emissions, can the car be fed anti-indigestion/anti-flatulence medicine?
9. Is the car just a machine, created by man…….or is like………………….alive………………………..man……whoah? *stubs out cannabis joint on dealer’s tie*
10. What is the meaning of life?