Guide to Australia –
I come from the land down under, under Papua New Guinea to be precise. It’s a bloody big landmass, old Aussie-land. Roughly the same size as the United States. The United States has over 300 million people, Australia has just over 20 million. Because of the sparseness caused by the huge landmass and the relatively tiny population, some people in certain parts of Australia can go their entire lifetimes without actually seeing another human being at all! These people, as you’d expect, become quite weird and isolated. They tend to live underground and naked, just like Wombats!
Kangaroos are NOT our primary mode of transportation, but they are eaten quite often. I don’t like the taste of Kangaroo though – it’s really dark and strong and tough. Emus, one of our other national animals, are the scariest things you’ll ever see in your life. They are basically dinosaurs that never went extinct. Steer clear of Emus, they suck! Koalas are NOT bears, so it’s wrong to call them Koala bears. They are quite cute actually. They’re very, very common, at least where I live. They live up in the trees for most of their lives, getting high as fuck on Eucalyptus leaves, or “Euca Puka hits” as the Koalas call it! Occasionally you will see Koalas walking across the roads in order to get to a better, new tree on the other side of the road. Koalas are good. I like them. And most of us like them, you know why? We like them because we don’t eat them……..although, with all that Eucalyptus coursing through their little bodies, I’d be very curious to have a taste one day!
Ah yes, sport! Something we are incredibly good at. We’re the best or second best at a whole load of different sports – except for the one sport that actually matters! What I’m saying is, we suck at Football (soccer). AFL (Australian Rules Football) is our own special version of football. It’s a bit of Rugby, a bit of NFL, a bit of soccer, a bit of Volleyball and a bit of a bar-brawl. I’m not all that fond of AFL, but it’s nice to have our own unique brand of football – good luck to you, AFLers. Rugby, both League and Union versions, are also immensely popular. I don’t know why, because it just looks like a bunch of overweight, cauliflower-eared, dunderheads running full steam into one another. Meh, whatever works for you I guess. The Socceroos, our national soccer team, is a shambolic bunch of sissies – I love soccer and I’m saying this, sort your shit out, Socceroos!
In the summer, it’s HOT! In the winter, it’s still quite hot, but less so. Autumn is non-existent, and Spring is just a conspiracy to make us buy inordinate amounts of hay-fever medication.
Pretty good. To avoid deathly boredom, you’ll want to live as close to the coast as possible, or in a big city – don’t worry, all of the capital cities of each state are just minutes away from their respective beaches. Also, I believe that my city of Adelaide, has the world’s cheapest cost of living in the Western world. Cheapest houses, amenities etc. So come to Adelaide if you want a goooooood time! Adelaide also has the highest number of churches converted into gay bars, too! Truly a forward thinking city.
It’s Australia! What culture? Just kidding, our culture is mutli in nature. Although, pop-culture and fashion and food and all of that stuff is pretty much just a smashing together of UK/European culture and American culture, hence why we are quickly becoming a nation of big fat fatties!
Should You Come Here?
Oh yes, by all means. Come down to Australia. Or come UP to Australia if you live in Antarctica or some beautiful hidden island no one’s ever put on a map. There are a whole myriad of reasons why Australia is one of the nicest places on Earth, not just to live in, but also to visit. Just keep in mind, Bondi Beach is highly overrated. Everyone goes there when they visit Australia. I can name a much better, much more beautiful place you could visit. It’s a small island reachable by ferry about two hours drive south of the city of Adelaide. It has the highly original name of “Kangaroo Island”. It’s a real place, not a joke I just made up. It happens to be one the most stunning places you could ever see. So that’s my advice. If you come to Australia, please be sure to check out Kangaroo Island.
I should really be employed by the Australian Tourist Board. Do you agree? Comment below!