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Alien Conversations With Humans #1


by Matt Bradshaw, 22013.

ALIEN THING : “We have studied your civilization and we’ve noticed a few things. We are most intrigued with this invention of yours called the ‘camera’. We so wish we had thought of such a beautiful thing to create, a contraption that can literally record memories better than our own brains can, a contraption that can capture moments of pure bliss and pure evil in equal measure for all of history, for all of future generations to study and revere. We would like to congratulate you humans on your ‘camera’. Please do tell us; what sorts of images do you like to record with your ‘cameras’?

TYPICAL HUMAN: “Wellll, I like to take pictures of nice food and my face and the clothes I wear when I go on a night out and cool stuff like that…”

ALIEN THING: “Seriously? Could I have a look at your photo album?”

TYPICAL HUMAN: “Oh sure, don’t get that gooey slime from your hand on my phone, it’s a brand new case, it cost me a whole week’s pay”.

ALIEN THING: *looks through human’s photo album and sees nothing but pictures of food, dresses, pouting lips, and insipid ‘inspirational’ quotes…* 

ALIEN THING: *secretes a small amount of slime as a disgust-response*“…uh, I need to go home now, my planet needs me”.

*typical human is too busy looking at their phone to notice the aliens are leaving*

*alien thing gets into its spaceship and leaves Earth*

*alien thing says to his second-in-command*…;

ALIEN THING: “We were mistaken, there is no sign of intelligent life down there”. We would have absolutely no problem enslaving the entirety of humans, but it seems they’re already enslaved……..by little machines that fit in their pockets! Haha, can you believe that!? Haha”

*aliens go home*.



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