“In the red corner, the Red-headed monstrosity! The New York native! The poor man’s idea of what a rich person should be! It’s the Hotel Hellhound! The Triumphal Toupe. The Next and possibly last President of the United States of America!………….DONALD…….TRUMP!”
*crowd produces a mixture of booing and cheering, rednecks hold up placards with sentiments on them, spelled incorrectly of course*
“In the blue corner, the Wicked Witch From The Windy City. The Pant-suit Politician. The Disappointed wife! The First Woman President of the United States of Gynomerica! The Stumbler, the fainter, the ultimate Trickster………..BILLARY….sorry…..HILLARY…….CLINTON!”
*crowd attempts to cheer, but many placards deemed offensive (“First Chick Pressy” eg.) are taken down by Hillary’s PC brigade*
Let’s get ready to…….Rumble!!!!
ROUND 1: “Trump comes blazing out of his corner, jabbing away at Hillary’s chin. She doesn’t look too good, even 5 seconds into this fight! Trumps’ gold covered gloves are doing the business so far, round one over! Trump has the advantage, he also owns this venue, so he has the home field advantage too!”
ROUND 2: “Oh my word, Hillary comes stumbling and falling towards Trump. Trump looks confused. Hillary clearly trying out some Jackie Chan-style Drunken Boxing techniques. Trump doesn’t know what to do…OH, Hillary with an uppercut to Trump’s chin, his hair FLIES right off his head and into the crowd. What a reversal, round two is over, can’t wait for more of this!”
ROUND 3: “Trump seems to be pulling something out of his glove….what is he doi…….he’s pulled out a roledex! Can you believe it!? He’s flinging business cards like ninja stars at Hillary, this can’t be legal, how’s he getting away with this? Oh, he owns the place, that’s right. Hillary is looking even worse than usual, cuts and nicks all over her face and flanks! Round 3 was a doozie, and….ding ding ding it’s over!”
ROUND 4: “Round 4 has begun! Let’s see what happens here………they’re both doing…nothing really. Trump and Hillary are just standing in their respective corners. What is going on? Oh, look at this, Hillary is quickly surrounded by a team of officials, they seat her down and pull out a folding table with many pieces of paper and what looks like a big map on it, they seem to be making plans of some sort in a very militaristic, organized way…..we’ll see how this develops. Trump is still in the vicinity of his corner, but he’s strutting around back and forth talking to someone on his phone, he’s using one of those huge brick-like phones from the 80’s, you can’t deny this guy got style! He’s looking very animated, giving that person on the other end the business, I imagine. Round 4 over, what a bore-fest.”
ROUND 5: “And here we GO! Hillary takes a few jabs, Trump responds in kind…and Hillary backs right off and walks back to her corner? What the hell? Her officials throw the towel over her body, and many many more towels, she is covered in about 50 layers of towels! What is this?………………What’s that noise, sounds like a plane flying over the venue very low”…………..*BOOOOOM! A bomb smashes through the roof and lands on Trump, killing him, Rendering him into mince!*
*the dust clears and the ring becomes visible again*
“Oh my God, ladies and Gentlemen, Hillary is the Champion! She is standing, arms raised, over Trump’s remains. I cannot believe it! This shrewd fighter called in a drone strike to get the job done! This was a fight for the ages, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did, now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go to the hospital, I’ve been struck by shrapnel and I’m losing blood very quickl”……*faints live on air*
That’s how I imagine it would go down.