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My Conversation With An Alien:


Glorkbreeg of FARGBLONG 12 sat down with me to discuss the current events going on in the world.


Me: How’s it going, Glork?

Glork: Not too bad. I’ve got this awful skin condition, but unfortunately no one on your planet has the knowledge to solve it, I shall have to wait until I go back to FARGBLONG 12.

Me: Sorry to hear that, mate. Is there anything on Earth that could ease your skin problem? 

G: Actually there is, I think you call it….alcohol..or something like that.

Me: Alcohol HELPS you? Wow, it does nothing but RUIN us humans.

G: Yeah, we have very different biologies, what can I say! ……oh hold on…I have to empty my Gloog valve!…………

*Gloog juice empties all over my study room floor*

Me: uh…will that shit go away or do I have to clean it?

Glork: It’ll integrate seamlessly into your nearest lower lifeforms.

Me: Oh okay, that’s fine….I guess?

*Gloog juice turns the nearest plant pot into a walking, talking servant for me*

Me: Hey thanks, Glork! Nice!

Glork: No worries my friend.

Me: So, uh, I thought I’d bring up the recent frequent terrorist attacks in Europe, and get you to tal……

Glork: Oh don’t you dare get me started on this clusterfuck you semen-holding glucose gobbler!

Me: Oh you have a strong opinion on this eh?

Glork: YES! You must forbid this barbaric ideology of what you call Islam, totally!

Me: Really? Forbid it outright? That seems a bit too extreme to me, I would personally stop all the immigration, and take it from there….?

Glork: Well….you CAN do that yes…..but we tried that in our planet’s history, and we were FUCKED royally for it…

Me: How so?

Glork: Several thousand billion years ago on our planet, we had a very similar ideology to your Islam. It started off quite fine, relegated to its own very separate part of our planet, but when most of our planet started to become civilized and genuinely forward thinking, GLOORPIG (Islam to you) started to encroach upon the very hard-fought for civilizations that we had tried so hard to get going. As soon as the GLOORPIG peoples started to kill our people and rape our FLIFFENS (your female women) in enormous numbers, under the guise of being ‘refugees’, we knew that we could not put up with their nonsense any longer. So, we, quite simply, put an end to their belief system.

Me:…….shit! How’d you do that?

Glork: Quite simple really. We gave them all the land they wanted, then we cut that land out of the planet’s surface with lazers more powerful than your own Sun, put a force-field around that land so they could live and breathe, and then launched them off into interstellar space. Problem solved!

Me:…….we can’t really do that. We don’t have the technolo……

Glork: Would you like me to send you the technology to do that?

Me:…………..oh shit, I don’t know…….that’s a moral quandary far beyond anything I’ve ever had to deal with!

Glork: Well, let me know if you want it. I can get it to you in about thirty PLIGs, or perhaps ten years on this strange planet.

Me: I’ll keep that in mind, cheers.

*Glork dissolved into nothingness at this point in the interview, so I naturally ended it, without waiting around like a dumbass!*

Peace Out (Glork says Hi too)











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