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Clubbing! (dark poem)

(A piece of satire about the absurdity of the whole clubbing scene, with a strange twist that I would welcome to any of these clubs – they’re all so unoriginal, do something different!)


It’s a saturday night,

home alone, I’m bored.

What shall I do?

I will go to town alright!


I drive into the neon wasteland,

the sights and sounds are hurting my ears and eyes!

But I will overcome, I will get laid!

I park up in the cheapest spot, hope no chicks saw me!


I strut on into the bounciest place in town,

A red lit building called ‘Jizz Loan’.

I pay the bouncer like I’m hot shit,

I get a 10 dollar vodka in a glass!


I stand around for a while,

checking out the talent!

By talent I mean, chicks! Ya dig?

One hot piece of ass comes up to me.


She says to me “You look lost”.

“Let me show you round the place”.

She takes me by the hand,

the wet hand I just pissed with!


She’s got my DNA on her now,

surely she’ll go to bed with me?

She’s not revulsed by my urine particles,

“She’s a keeper”, I mutter childishly.


She shows me the ‘back room’.

“This is where the FUCKEN SHIT goes down’

She says with menacing doom!

“Let’s get down to business, Sir”


I get down on my knees, for reasons unknown.

She tells me to bark like a dog,

for reasons even more unknown,

I get locked into an ‘all-fours’ harness!


“What is this place?”

I scream in agony.

“You’ve entered Jizz Loan”.

Now we ask you to do same!


I am milked.

They milked me.

My willy was bone dry at the end,

She sniggered at my wilted penis,

I sniggered because I blew the mother of all loads!


“Now, please enjoy our amenities at your pleasure”

“More pleasure than THAT!?”

I said.

Silently, she left.


I swaggered out into the dancefloor,

with the boldest confidence I’ve ever known!

Indeed I did meet a chick,

And boy oh boy did I get laid, in a way!


I stagger home, drunk on one vodka and a penile enlightenment!

My cat welcomes me at the door, feline delight, nothing like it!

I will never forget my CLUBBING experience,

Thank you ‘Jizz Loan’, unending thanks!


(that was weird, sorry) 🙂








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