Imagine a politician who answered everything with total honesty, without a hint of corporate nonspeak and safe language!
I recently sat down in a quaint little alleyway pub with Minister of Foreign Affairs, Kez Barnes. Kez talked about the pub we went to, about how it’s a favourite place for politicians, about how many times debates between the pollies and the ‘dumb village idiots’ (Kez’s words) long into the early hours of the morning about foreign matters. I couldn’t wait to get down to business with this most characterful of Australian politicians.
Me – Hey Kez, how’s it going? Will you be ordering any drinks for us today?
Kez – Well, yes, yes I will. DOUBLE VODKA for me, and, some fruity girl drink for this journalist scum, please Bar wench!
*gives me a wry smile*
Me – *chuckles* typical Kez banter, I love it.
Kez – Yeah, you know, people often call me the Donald Trump of Australia. Sadly I don’t have his money, I think they make the comparison because we both have MARVELLOUS hair!
Me – ….sure.
Me – So, uh, the biggest issue facing the world today must surely be Climate Change. What exactly are your views on the matter for those who don’t know?
Kez – *receives drink, guzzles heartily from it*……the cows!
Me – Cows?
Kez – Yes, cows farts to be exact. Those damn cows fart enormous amounts of methane into the atmosphere, we need to stop them, I think.
Me – How exactly do we ‘stop’ cows?
Kez – Well, ever since I almost died from diverticulitis, a disease I got from eating a diet for years consisting mostly of cow, I’ve always had a bit of a grudge against those ugly bastard animals!
Me – What about industry, and all the stuff we humans are pumping into the air?
Kez – We need all that industry, the cows…not so much.
Me – But come on, even China and the US are cutting back on their industrial pollution, but Australia isn’t? Why not?
Kez – We’re a tiny country, our pollution isn’t even a speck, trust me, I do this for a living.
Me – Okay, I’m sure you do know more about that than me, I only studied climatology for 3 years, sure.
Kez – Don’t start, mate. If you’d have said that five vodkas in, and you’d be wearing that clipboard, punk!
Me – *awkwardly takes sip of drink*
Kez – *grandly guzzles more of his drink*
Waitress – *rather rudely interrupting* Would you like anything to eat today, Sir?
Kez – Only you, my lovely! *winks* *waitress walks away baffled*
Me – Hey, I thought you said you didn’t eat cow! *hopeful smile*
Kez – HAHA HAHA HA HA HAAAA! That was inspired. I’m gagging for a cigarette, you care to take this interview outside?
Me – Sure thing, I need a fag too.
Kez – ……queer.
*we both chuckle as we walk outside*
*standing on the street, we light up our ciggies*
Me – One thing I like about you Kez, is that you aren’t interested in hiking up the price of cigarettes, I don’t think that does anything to solve the problem.
Kez – Nah, that sort of thing is bullshit. Let smokers smoke, that’s my motto.
*man driving past screams at Kez*
Man – Hey asshole, you’re a fucking prick…
Kez – *screams back* FUCK OFF!
Me – Sorry about that…..
Kez – It’s okay, actually I agree with the guy, you journalists are pricks to be honest! *laughs*
Me – Okay, let’s go back inside I think.
Kez – …yeeeeaaahh.
*we sit back down*
Me – Of all the countries you’ve visited, which do you like the most?
Kez – Thailand, for obvious reasons. *makes blowjob gesture*
Me – Really? You ever been caught doing any of that naughty stuff?
Kez – If I have, no one has ever mentioned it, I certainly wouldn’t remember if I have been caught before, I was blackout drunk every time!
Me – What a life you’ve had. Do you plan on getting blackout drunk tonight? Any plans for later on?
Kez – I’m supposed to write up a report on some thing about China or Japan or one of those places, but, I could probably let that go for a few days. What do you say we go out on the town, oh the things I could show you, lad!
Me – Sounds interesting.
*Kez and I walk out of the pub and into a taxi with a spring in both our steps*
Me – One last question.
Kez – Yep.
Me – What’s it like being a woman in such a male-dominated job?