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My Exclusive Interview with Kim Jong Un

kim jong

The Dear Leader of North Korea saw my blog and loved it, so he paid my flight and accommodation to North Korea for a bit of a visit. Here’s what we got talking about;

Me – So, I just read that you have single handedly saved North Korea’s cricket team from being lowest on the world table? You, by yourself, scored an incredible 800 runs, by yourself! Incredible effort, well done.

Dear Leader (DL) –  Yes, very much so. I like cricket quite a bit, I often use the bats and the wooden wickets to….uh….’correct’ our dissidents and criminals. That 800 runs was damn hard to get, but I love North Korea more than anything, and I don’t know how to say it, some kind of crazy athletic frenzy took over and I was able to get 800 runs in about 45 minutes. So yeah, a good day for me!

Me – I loved that fast food place on the big road on the way to this building. What was that place called?

DL – That was a place called “Dogs on Sticks!” It’s just a joke name, we have good sense of humour in North Korea, it’s all high quality ‘normal’ meat that Westerners like; cow, pig, goat, horse, bear, wolf etc.

Me – Oh okay, so, how do you stay so happy about life? You’ve always got a huge smile on your face?

DL – Yes, well, when you are lucky enough to be the head honcho of such a vibrant and prosperous nation, you naturally just smile all day long!

Me – The nuclear stuff, what’s going on with all that?

DL – They’re not nuclear, they’re care package rockets. We send regular care package rockets to South Korea to help those poor impoverished people in the South, those poor slaves to technology and freedom, we really feel for them, you know.

Me – That’s awesome DL, really nice of you!

Me – *at this point in the interview, a man was dragged into the room by his hair* *some very loud Korean was shouted at the man by DL and his guards* *then he was dragged off out of the room quickly*

DL – Sorry about that. Damn hoodlums, that guy was caught growing his own potatoes, absolute moron!

Me – Okayyyyy. So uh, you seen anything good on TV?

DL – We don’t have that. Because it poisons the mind, we believe, and not at all because we lack the actual materials or know how to make TV, hahahaha, we’re not stupid!

Me – You’ve talked a lot about the United States and how much you anticipate a war with them, do you really think that the US is trying to war against you?

DL – Yes, yes I think they are. Just last night, we found an American magazine called “Tits and Bush” on top of one of our glorious city buildings! The US is trying to brainwash our citizens into their own sick and disgusting ways, and brainwashing is something we will not tolerate! *DL’s guards all in unison say, “We will not tolerate!”*

Me – Well, I don’t think I have anything further to ask you, so…

*alarms start going off very loudly* *DL and his guards run out of the room* *DL slips over because he’s quite fat* *I pack up my papers and go back to the hotel*

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