He smelled the treats up in the pantry in the kitchen of the old, slow man. This worm was hungry, specially for treats, special treats they smelled to be! The worm knew he’d die of exhaustion if he tried to climb and slither up all the way to the treats, so he had to think, and think he did. Spending quite a very long time thinking, especially for a worm, until finally he hatched a plan, amongst the hatching baby worms, he hated kids, this worm did, so this gave him extra gusto in his plan! He’d wait for the old man to go to the pantry, then he’d JUMP right on him, crawl up to his head and jump right off him onto the higher shelf the treats were on! Genius!
The worm waited there, for a LONG time, “huh, what am I, an Earthworm in a mealworm suburb? Why won’t this old man come to me!” But, the old man did come, and he opened the door of the pantry. The worm LEAPED onto this old man’s trousers, he’d done it….phase one of the operation was complete. He had no time to rest, he crawled his tiny little butt up the trousers, on his way, he came across smells and stains he’d like to forget. He made it up to the armpits, getting slightly drunk off the beer stains this disgusting old man hadn’t washed off!
Armpits traversed, hairy shoulders up next. It was tremendously hard to get through the thick forest of grey hairs on the old man’s shoulders and neck! But by worm-God, he did it! Then, came the hardest part of all, little worm would have to get up the old man’s head and on top of his head. Going straight up the back would not work at all, because the flaky skin was just too difficult to get any traction on, so Mr. Worm would have to climb up his FACE, the old man’s FACE!
Worm started at the chin, climbed up a bit. Everything seemed okay, so next, he’d have to get up around the mouth, no problem either, he nibbled on crumbs the stupid old man had forgotten to eat! “MMM mmm, delicious bratwurst and pickles”, said the worm with an upset stomach!
The nose was no issue, but the old man could do with some tissues, it was like riding an avalanche at times going up the nostrils!
He cleared the forehead with rapid ease, he got through the small expanses of patchy hair and prepared to jump off the old man’s head!…..
He jumped………………….and he MADE IT onto the pantry shelf the treats were on! “Hip hip hooray, callooh callay”, screamed the worm so loudly that old man heard him, “What the hell…..caloo….ca-what now”, the old man mumbled with confusion.
Little brave worm slithered faster towards the sweet sweet smell of treats than he’d ever slithered before!
He bathed himself in the sweet smell, a box of orange juice had spilled all over the shelf, he had a swimming pool of treaty goodness to roll around in, and boy did he!
Uh oh, the worm felt dying sensations, seizing up of its nervous system……………
……………“this wasn’t orange juice……….it’s citrus scented bleach!” the worm said sadly.
The worm died in horrific pain.
But, given all he’d given, he deserved a soldier’s funeral. And that’s exactly what he got.
The old man, who knew about this worm all along, emptied out a matchbox and put the dead, chemically burnt worm in there. He made a small flag for the worm out of a postage stamp. And he sent this worm off in honorable style.
The old man was sad, saddest most of all because he never let the worm know that he could hear him and knew about his inner most thoughts. But, the worm was dead. So, the old man sprinkled some dirt in his kitchen and allowed numerous worms to grow and flourish, the old man became a dear friend of these new worms, and they got up to all sorts of adventures together……………incredibly slow adventures, but adventures all the same!
The End (this was fucking weird, huh!?)