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What Are Humans?

What are we?

We’re a bunch of highly evolved primates. We walk on our two legs, not the best way to get around actually, all fours is better in almost every way.

How weird we must look to animals. Our pet dogs and cats must look at us and think “Holy Shit! Look at the size of their heads, they’re huge, how do those massive things stay on their shoulders?” It’s true; we have enormous heads and brains relative to our body size, enormous relative to our bodies. We also walk upright and the whole of our front’s face the world. Not like dogs, which only have their heads facing the world. No wonder dogs look up to us, we must look like Gods to them! With our huge heads and our strange, exposed, upright bodies.

We have a strange way of birthing and raising children also. First of all, the birthing process is extremely dangerous for the mother and the child. Women and infants used to die during childbirth regularly. But second of all, it takes a human child at least 15-18 years on average to be able to fully fend for themselves in the world without any of their parent’s help. That’s such a long time compared to newborn giraffes or horses, which fall out the womb and within minutes are up and running around, crazy!

We have thumbs! Maybe doesn’t sound important, but our thumbs are the fucking best thing about us. Without our thumbs, we wouldn’t be able to build things. Put it this way; try going about your day to day business without using your thumbs at all, just your eight fingers…..you’ll get NOTHING done!

We come from apes, not monkeys, k? But, the apes we evolved from are now no longer here, obviously because they became us! Idiots will often say this, “If we came from apes, then why are their apes still on Earth?” The idiocy of this question makes me want to windmill kick any dope who asks it in the throat! Listen, we came from apes that no longer exist. These ancient apes branched off into several different branches of evolution – – one branch became us, another became chimps, another became orangutans, and another became gorillas. All us apes are merely ancient cousins. Simples.

How would an alien race describe us humans in our current form here on Earth? I think they’d say something like this;

  1. Very curious and inquisitive.
  2. Prone to acts of supremely disturbing violence and war
  3. Totally engrossed in their own egos
  4. Altruistic, random acts of kindness, without wanting anything in return
  5. Smelly
  6. Unnecessarily hairy
  7. Utterly confusing in their adherence to outdated myths and stories of Gods and Faith
  8. They possess a ‘sense of humor’, something we don’t comprehend. But the humans seem to love it, they put great importance into ‘humor’
  9. They’ll fight to the end. If we ever waged war against them, we might not come out on top.
  10. They spend paper and small bits of metal on things that don’t help them to survive or progress as a species. We still don’t really believe this, but we’ve been told it’s true. What an odd thing to do.

We’re an odd bunch, aren’t we?

After all my years on this Earth, I still have no idea what humans are!

We crazy!



6 thoughts on “What Are Humans?

  1. Did you know that bi-pedalism is actually one of the huge advantages of humans. I have heard it said that a human can outrun a horse in the long run. Human just keep going. This was very valuable when hunting fast things like gazelles. They can run very fast, but not very long. So they run away, and two hours later, there are these dogged humans that followed their tracks and just kept running. Gazelles run, humans follow. Gazelles run, humans follow. Gazelles can’t run anymore…. End of story.

    Posted by Norbert Haupt | August 10, 2015, 5:50 pm
    • I know, there are very great advantages,
      but walking upright puts enormous stress on our backs, lower backs in particular.
      I’m just curious as to how other intelligent animals would view us, as we’re the only species on Earth that ONLY uses upright bipedalism as our sole method of movement. Me must look very strange to other animals! haha 🙂
      I’ve seen those persistence hunters as you mentioned, they literally run after an animal until it dies of exhaustion! That’s crazy stuff! And those people drink a lot of beer daily, which may or may not help them! lol, probably helps numb the pain in their feet somewhat!

      Posted by sarcasticgoat | August 10, 2015, 6:01 pm
      • Interestingly, our bipedalism has freed up our front legs for work and tool-making. Look how different whales are from quadrupeds. Whales are really smart, and probably would easily be tool makers, if somehow they had had a reason for their front appendages to become more developed than they are. But that’s a whole other kind of post.

        Posted by Norbert Haupt | August 10, 2015, 7:11 pm
      • We should attach robotic arms to dolphins and whales, and see what kinds of tools they can build! lol

        Posted by sarcasticgoat | August 11, 2015, 7:34 am
  2. This post reminds me of a Terry Bisson short story published in Omni magazine in the 90’s:
    They’re Made Out Of Meat

    Posted by suburbanbetty | August 10, 2015, 7:48 pm

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