I am not/will never be associated with AA or any other sobriety organization that forces you to acknowledge a ‘higher power’ as being the solution to my particular problem with alcohol – – before you ask, I know I have a problem…why? Because I have only to look at my life and my drinking behaviour – – hiding bottles all over the house, lying to people about my drinking, very frequent blackouts, financial problems due to buying so much booze etc.
I am drinking alcohol again, right now, as it happens. I made a promise to myself to not drink for as long as I could, and to be honest I thought I’d probably never drink again. That whole promise has now been obliterated.
Something strange happened about 1 and a half years ago (a time where I’d been drinking every night for about 3 years) – – I would drink, but I wouldn’t feel that good, pleasant, buzzed feeling, I would simply blackout after shunting down about 3 quarters of a bottle of Vodka in the space of about 3 hours. I believe alcoholics call it, having no ‘off-switch’. When I drank, and started to feel the base physical effects of the booze, I simply could not stop drinking, it sounds so pathetic and strange, but I really didn’t have any control over it.
I’ve currently had 5 shots of vodka, diluted in water (ooh, healthy me) – – and I plan on drinking as much of it as I can, I’m feeling that nice buzzed feeling, which is slightly worrying, because I’m thinking I may be able to drink like a regular person – – I have about half a bottle of Vodka left, and I may very well not be able to stop myself from drinking the whole thing, to be honest…..
The thing is…..when I stop drinking, I don’t have any withdrawal symptoms. I don’t get the shakes, I don’t have hallucinations or seizures. I don’t even get the bad stomach, nausea and vomiting etc. This is surprising to me, seeing as I had at least a 3 year period of drinking at least 3 quarters of a bottle of hard liquor every night (whiskey, vodka, rum). I suppose I’m one of the lucky very few who don’t experience life-threatening alcohol withdrawal symptoms. This is only a bad thing. It makes me somewhat think that I could keep on drinking forever…….but that can’t be the case, because at this rate, I’ll be dead within 10 years.
This is a blow, it really is. I’m not happy about drinking again, I’m really not. BUT, my creativity has blossomed in this past 24 hours. There can be ways to be creative without booze, but I’ve known nothing better. Maybe I’ll have to try some of that ‘wee’d or whatever the fuck it’s called. (believe it or not, I’ve never taken ANY drugs, no weed, no heroin, no pills, nothing like that – – only alcohol).
The important thing to realize from this post is this – – I know now that I have a problem, I want to stop for good, and I’ll simply have to deal with that fact.