1. Be yourself at all times– unless it is important for you to pretend to be something else, if you’re going for a job interview etc. I cannot stress enough just how shit this so called ‘life ethos’ is. Be yourself at all times? Nah, you’ve got to be adaptable to all scenarios, sometimes you simply need to act like a crazy, insane person in order to avoid charity workers in the streets even if you’re not crazy, you know what I’m on about, eh? Of course you do.
2. Be nice to all people – even that FUCKSTICK boss of yours, yes!
3. Be up-to-date on all the modern technology – You must get yourself a smart-phone (the bigger the better, if you can afford one that looks like a futuristic, flashing hospital stretcher, then GET IT! People’ll love you for having it). You must also have numerous accounts on the internet, Facebook (you need lots of friends, most of whom you’ve never met once), Twitter, Instagram (quite a must, the old Insta, because hey, we’re all visual creatures, aren’t we, or some shit!). Not only must you project your incredibly influential and unique personality in the REAL world, you must also project it via the cableness and cablelessness of the internet world.
4. Be the sort of person who ‘don’t take no guff’ – This is a very common attitude that people have these days, I think it’s been partly influenced by those ‘rude’ television personalities like Gordon Ramsay and Simon Cowell. People think that being rude is totally acceptable if they’re just saying what’s on their minds, they’ll say things like, “I’m not being rude, I’m just speaking my mind”,……………no…….shutup, you’re being rude. So yeah, be a rude fucker, it’s all the rage nowadays.
5. Be articulate to the point of needless tedium – This is a trend of behaviour that is only visible through the wonderful world of social media. People these days, I’ve found, at least a large number of them, certainly not all people, use words that are LONG and BIG, and they use them very often. What happens is that the sentences and comments they write on FaceBook or Twitter or Instagram or any of that shit, end up looking like a random word generator a lot of the time. I think the best piece of advice I can offer to you people is this………..’Write the way you speak’…….pretty good advice, that.
6. Final rule, you must (like me) own your own meaningless, turgid little sector on the internet for you to write your ideas and wispy ramblings – This is what we in the business like to call ‘Flog a Blog Blog’.