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Chinwaggin’ with Andy

Yet another bloody Alan Partridge inspired bit of comedy writing/scenario/dialogue/trialogue (fancy)….thing.

(Show’s theme tune plays, lasts 45 seconds)

“Hellooooo, I am your host, Andy McJones, you can call me AJ…..or, Mr. Jones. This is the first show of a brand new series. This is Chinwaggin’ with Andy. This show will involve lots of different things, we’ll be talking to the best and brightest people on the planet, we’ll visit some fun places, and we might just play some BANGIN’ new tunes on the show too. I do hope this series will be popular and long lasting, in fact, I hope I continue to host this program long into old age, I’d love to be lying there in my comfy hospital bed with guests around me to chinwag with, that’d be grand, wouldn’t it? The other patients in the hospital might be distracted, but if you spin it in a positive way, they’ll have first class, front row tickets to the greatest show on Earth!

Let me introduce you to the set here in the studio. There are some chairs over there, where we’ll sit and chinwag on, or we might eschew the conventional standard of sitting on chairs, and we might stand over there at the fully stocked bar and chat. And I mean…fully stocked, in fact, I might pour myself a little beverage and get ready for our first guest to arrive.

Hello bartender, pour me a large glass of gin……..with some tonic water in it too, I don’t want to get too shitfaced, eh?

(Andy sips heartily from his glass of booze)

(looks at his watch)

Oh, is that the time already!? Let’s get some guests! Our first guest is quite literally…….a literary maestro. He is the author of the wonderful new book “Living A Happy, Sober Life”. Who know, maybe he can get me off the evil juice I’m indulging in right now? Here’s………….world renowned author and party-pooper, Jeremy Gleese!

(Jeremy walks on stage and immediately sits down on one of the before mentioned chairs)

Hey, hey, Jeremy, Dr. J!? No need to indent those chairs with your genius buttocks just yet, come on over here to the bar, we’ll chat like a couple of old friends.

(Jeremy gets up and walks over to the bar area looking unimpressed and slightly annoyed)

Ah, there we go, pull up a stool me old mate!

Jeremy – Thanks, pal. Nice to be here, I’m a big fan.

Andy – Oh, you’re too kind, so, what’ll you have, partner!?

Jeremy – Excuse me?

Andy – What do you want to drink?

Jeremy – Oh, uhm, just a mineral water, thanks.

Andy – …………is that it?

Jeremy – What do you mean?

Andy – You don’t want something a bit more exciting?

Jeremy – What, like a Coke or something?

Andy – Oh, ho ho ho, you’re a stiff one aren’t you? So, you’re really committed to the whole non-drinking way of life eh?

Jeremy – Yes. I can’t drink. I’m one of many millions of people all over the world who cannot drink alcohol without eventually losing control of my life. It’s all in my book, which I’ve heard you loved, right?

Andy – Oh yeah yeah, it’s very great indeed, it’s nice and thin, which ironically makes it a great beermat for my glass of gin and tonic, funny that, huh?

Jeremy – That is quite ironic, I agree. What was your favorite part of the book?

Andy – ………..I……liked the part where you talked about your ‘wildest days’ of drinking. When you talk about engaging prostitutes in dodgy sex and waking up in places you’ve never been with no recollection of how you got there. That whole segment of the book was very funny indeed.

Jeremy – Well, it wasn’t supposed to be funny, but I suppose there is some dark humor in it, yeah.

Andy – So…I’m drinking gin right now. I’m enjoying it. I’m, to be quite honest, feeling VERY happy right now. So, obviously the gin is working its wonderful magic upon my brain and bloodstream. So, all of this feels great to me, my question is…….why can’t YOU drink gin and feel these feelings I’m……….uh..having?

Jeremy – Well, I CAN drink gin and feel great. But if I do, I just won’t be able to stop, I suppose is the easiest way to explain it. I will drink every day as much as I can, usually I’ll pass out or blackout, I simply cannot stop once I’ve started.

Andy – THAT……….sounds like a lack of self-control if you ask me, which you haven’t, I’m just saying.

Jeremy – That’s a normal idea people have about alcoholism, but we simply cannot stop, it’s that simple.

Andy – Alright………..I’ll stop right now, to prove to you that I don’t have a drinking problem. I’ll just have one more glass of gin with tonic in it, then……..that’s it, no more for the whole night, or even the whole WEEK!

(Andy is by this point visibly drunk)

Jeremy – That would be a start.

Andy – There’s no…..START in sight my friend, this is me STOPPING…with the gin. ONE MORE BARTENDER.

Jeremy – Are you sure?

Andy – ……………….(whispers glumly)…..yeah……..

Jeremy (by now is taking charge of the interview as Andy is clearly drunk) Okay, let me tell you a drinking story that might make you give up alcohol forever, it’s just that awful and embarrassing.

Andy – ……….yep. (burps)

Jeremy – The year is 1999, the millenium is very near, it’s an incredibly exciting time. I’m in Barcelona to see the Champions League final. It’s Manchester United vs Bayern Munich, a very big game. So, a couple of hours before the game, I go into a Spanish bar to get ‘a couple of drinks’. Oh how wrong was I? After about the 13th huge glass of beer, I lose all memory of whatever the hell happened. I wake up two days later in a strange dark place. The lights are flickering, and I can hear constant primal screaming and other horrifying noises like that. Turns out, I was booked into a mental hospital, and not a very nice one, on account of my ‘alcoholic psychosis’. I had to eat actual faeces for a few days, that’s all they had on the menu, the menu was written in blood. It took a huge national effort on the part of Australia to get me out of that place, it took nine months but eventually I got out of there. So, drink up, Andy! (laughs maniacally)

Andy – You, uhm, you, uhm, you ate (whispers)..…shit?

Jeremy – For a few days, yes.

Andy – That’s so….(burps, stomach churns)……bloody awful…..

(throws up violently)

Jeremy – Oh my GOD!

Andy – Oh my GOD! (vomits a little more again)

Jeremy – Jesus Christ, Andy. You might have a problem, mate.

Andy – Take me to the hospital………….PPLLEEAASSEE…………there’s something in this drink, it can’t just be gin and tonic water……

(medical people arrive on the set and take Andy away)

(Jeremy AND the audience sits there in a strange silence)

The end.

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