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Sophisticatedly Awful Ways To Say Everyday Things

I was just joking – I was merely telling a humourous terminological inexactitude.

I love you – I’m telling you a thing that I don’t mean, but rather something I’ve been conditioned to feel obliged to say through media, movies and novels.

Tomorrow’s a new day – Tomorrow is a day. More specifically the day after this one.

Oh my God! You’re so funny! – Oh my God! I wish you’d shutup, you talk too much!

Let’s get drunk on the weekend – Let us poison our precious bodies with a liquid that will make us temporarily forget just how fucking awful life is!

I’m not racist…..but! – I am very racist.

I’m so hungry, let’s get KFC. – My body is telling my brain that I’ve gone a bit too long without food. Even though there are people living in the world who only have a small bowl of rice to live on each day!

Does my bum look big in this? – Ha! Poor man, I’m trapping you with a question which cannot be answered correctly or flatteringly.

We should go out for coffee some time this week – I want to have sex with you, very much so!

Do you like my new haircut? – You DO like my new haircut.

We should move in together – I have no idea what I’m thinking.

I love you, man, you’re like…..the best dude…..EVER! – Vodka level 9000!

I’m on this new diet – I shall be sneaking into fast food joints very stealthily in order to gorge on fries and milkshakes, only this time, I will try very hard to cover up my fatty food adventures.

I think we should name our daughter ‘Hope Springs’ – I would like a divorce but I’m too scared to say it outright.

Don’t do it, babe, she’s not worth it – FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!

I could kill for a massage – I’m so tense, I have contemplated murdering an innocent person. I have an anger problem!

At this point, I’ve run out of every day sayings, feel free to add your own examples.

Peace out! 😉



4 thoughts on “Sophisticatedly Awful Ways To Say Everyday Things

  1. Very true. How about:
    “How are you?” – I have been trained to greet you with this question, but in no way do I really want to know how you are, I just want to continue on my way, please don’t actually answer me with anymore than “Good. And you?”

    Posted by sparkyplants | March 14, 2015, 9:21 pm
  2. “Could it possibly get any better than this?” kill me now I’m so done with you I might just slit my own throat.

    Posted by over49online | March 17, 2015, 12:48 am

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