Hello Aliens who may be reading this,
I like my planet and my species for the most part, so don’t take this guide on world domination I’ve constructed too seriously. I mean, don’t come here and start trying to dominate us, because I will have to be held responsible if you do, please don’t, people will be SO angry with me!
p.s. this Earth domination guide is a completely hands-off guide (or whatever type of appendages you freaks have, with all due respect). Hands-off meaning you will never have to invade or put any of your troops on the ground in any way. You can hover up in space above Earth, and destroy us all with these simple techniques I’ve outlined in the guide.
Step 1 to Earth domination – Hack into our global communications systems (I know you know how to, clever bastards!) and make Facebook and Twitter and all social media websites go away forever. Delete them all from our global internet system. This will hit the humans (us, me) very, very hard! At first we’ll assume there are some maintenance problems, but after a few weeks, when they’re still not back online, we’ll panic en masse! People (a small number of the whole population, but still) will start to slowly go insane when they realize they might never be able to stalk strangers online or look at bikini pictures of their brother’s wife or any of those social media things that people mostly use them for! Step 1, delete all social media.
Step 2 to Earth domination – Start to gradually delete ALL of the internet, television and mobile phones. Begin by taking away the social media sites, then the porn sites, then the news sites, then EVERYTHING! This is the biggest, most devastating step in this guide. This will decimate the human’s wills to live, I envisage that most of the humans will simply give up at this point, when they realize that personal technology doesn’t exist anymore. Big time step, this one.
Step 3 to Earth domination – Final step. Finally, after you’ve gotten rid of all personal technology items and infrastructure, and you look down upon vast swathes of the human population walking around aimlessly, it is at this point that you beam across every blank, dark screen of every phone, computer and TV, a message of your total and inevitable domination of the Earth! The humans will have been so starved of pixel-related information or entertainment, they’ll instantly believe everything you alien guys say!
There you go, little guys.
Klooj Plik Gliqq Merg! (good bye in Basic Alien)