I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t somewhat craving a drink right now. Everyone around me is doing it, I should be fine, right? Well……this thought crosses my mind at least 100 times every day. The thought being, “Maybe I CAN have some drinks and leave it at that. Have a few glasses of wine, get that lovely warm feeling, and then stop, go to bed and start the next day feeling a little bit shit, but overall not bad.”
I envy people who can do this, and that is most of you. You who go out, have a few drinks and then go home and think no more about drinking for the rest of the night. I used to be one of you. But at some point a few years ago, I crossed a line I never knew existed. Instead of just having a third of a bottle of vodka (enough to get me very pleasantly drunk), I began drinking 2/3rds to ALL of the vodka until I would “blackout”. Blackouts are strange things. If you’ve never had one before, count yourself among the normal and the lucky also. Basically, when you “blackout” you enter a realm of complete nothingness, you remember literally NOTHING about the night before. I don’t mean, “Oh, I got so drunk I might have sent that awful text, or I might have said this to that person.” No, a blackout is TOTAL darkness, the part of your brain that remembers things seemingly switches off when you blackout. It’s not to be advised.
In the country I live in, Australia, drinking is an inherent part of the culture for everybody. You go to a party and you’re expected to take in a few beers at the very least. Now, I never liked drinking with other people, ever. In fact, I actually quite enjoyed the idea that I was the only sober guy among a sea of drunk wankers at the parties I attended – I thought it made me unique and different in a strange way that I thought girls would find appealing and attractive……I’m odd like that. But then, after the party, I’d go home and drink quite a staggering amount of hard spirits (vodka, whisky, rum etc). Drinking was MY thing. I wasn’t interested in sharing it with others, and I HATED really drunk people with furious anger.
Now, it was easy for me to hate drunk people, because personally, the alcohol never affected my personality in any way. I never became violent or abusive or mean or anything like that, it was the physical feeling I enjoyed the most and that was what I abused. People who become angry drunks, make me 10 times more angry than they are while drunk. People who become aggressive and violent while drunk make me want to punch them in the face! You know, that sort of “projection” mentality.
My father drinks. Just tonight he would’ve had about 6 or 7 beers, very light beers. He drinks a lot but he is never “drunk”, I’ve come to the conclusion that he must actually enjoy the taste of beer? Is such a thing possible? Beer was the very last thing on my list of things to drink when I was hitting it hard. Beer stinks, and it looks like piss.
My mother also drinks, but she is very different. She can go weeks and weeks, sometimes months without drinking, but when she does drink, she ALWAYS goes too far. She’ll drink a couple bottles of wine or 6 or 7 Johnnie Walker and Cokes, get totally shitfaced and pass out in the hallway. She drinks like a maniac, but very rarely. That in itself is a sign that a person may have a problem, but I’ve never dared to bring it up with her – seeing as both her parents died of alcohol related disease.
Alcoholism runs rampant in both sides of my family tree. As it would with anyone of Western European ancestry, I suppose.
I do not believe in Alcoholics Anonymous, their whole religious aspect makes me sick to be honest. So I’m staying sober by myself. A lot of recovering alcoholics disagree with my method. But it has worked for me so far.
I just wrote this because tonight for some reason I’ve been much more tempted to drink than any other day/night of sobriety I’ve had so far. But I haven’t. And you shouldn’t either, think ’bout yo liver! Yo!