I recently sat down with God, the Big G himself. We discussed a few things; life, the universe, humanity, atheism etc. Below is our entire discussion. Enjoy.
Q: Hey God. How’s things? You all good?
A: I’m feeling okay. A little bit under the weather. I’ve got a bit of Lazarian super-flu. But my immune system is pretty strong. I should be alright.
Q: Surely you should be feeling, on top of the weather!? You know, because we’re in Heaven right now, above the clouds.
A: That’s a good one. I’ll have to keep that in memory for the next time I hold a dinner party.
Q: Dinner parties? Who do you have coming around for your dinner parties?
A: Oh you know, the most frequent guests I have are Benjamin Franklin, Alan Turing and Christopher Hitchens. Sometimes, I get rowdy guests like Peter Cook, or Keith Richards, you know, whoever wants to come, I have no specific invite list.
Q: Christopher Hitchens? He was a famous atheist, he didn’t believe in you. Why does he come to your dinner parties?
A: Because he always supplies the alcohol. And now he’s dead, he has no choice but to believe in me, nice guy he is.
Q: So, on the subject, what do you think about the famous atheist in the world today? They’re gaining more and more support aren’t they?
A: Yes. Yes they are. I don’t hold it against them though. Everyone has to have a passion, and if their passion is to badmouth me, then that’s okay, I’m all-powerful, it doesn’t bother me in the slightest.
Q: So, how do you fill your days? Do you have any hobbies?
A: Actually I do. I enjoy perusing antique shops disguised as a charming old man. I just LOVE walking around these shops and looking at all the really old stuff, somehow I think those antiques remind Me of Me. It’s very relaxing and calming.
Q: I’ve read your books. For the most part, I love the poetry and the grand, epic themes within your two books. But one thing I noticed was the immensely graphic violence. Was it your intention to have your books be so violent and bloody?
A: Initially, no. What happened was that the editors and the publishers sort of coaxed the idea of including intense violence. I let them put the violence in the books, because I was young and I really wanted the books to be popular among the readers who read the books in the Bronze Age. It worked, and I became insanely popular as a result, but in retrospect, I was young and reckless, and if I had my maturity back then, I would’ve said no to the editors and publishers.
Q: Fascinating. So, are there any other “Gods” in the universe? Or are you the one truly one and only God?
A: Good question. I am not the only God in the universe. There are…..uhm…..about 774 Gods if I remember correctly. We all control and govern separate sectors of the Universe. I govern this sector, Sector 34-F.
Q: That is amazing. Do you meet up with these other Gods on a regular basis?
A: Yes. Once every several thousand years, we all meet up at the Grand Conference. It’s basically a very boring, meeting where we discuss how things are going in our respective sectors. Other than that, occassionally we correspond with one another through U-mail, the Universal form of email. Basically we’re pretty much told to stay in our sectors for several thousand years at a time. But I will tell you, the after-parties after the Grand Conferences can get pretty rowdy and out of control!
Q: When you say, “we’re told to stay in our own sectors”, what do you mean? Are there Gods above you? Do you have superiors?
A: Of course we do. How else would we know what to do without our superiors telling us so? Our superiors are ten billion times more powerful than us Gods. We don’t know anything about them, other than the fact that they are ten billion times more powerful and wise than we are, they tell us so very often.
Q: Jesus Christ!! That’s incredible……
A: Oh, you want to meet my Son? Jesus, come in here for a minute.
Q: Oh no, I was just expressing amazement………….Oh Jesus, how are you?
Jesus: Hello. I hope my Dad isn’t evading too many questions. He gets a bit cranky when he’s sick.
A: Okay, Son. That’s enough, you’ve got people down on Mars to appear to.
Jesus: Okay Dad. See you, Mr. Interviewer, I might be seeing you soon.
Q: Last question, God. How do you think humanity will progress? Will be prosper or fall into decay in the coming years.
A: Ha! Ha! Only I and 774 other Gods know the answer to that. But I cannot tell you. You must find out for yourselves. Good luck.
Q: Oh come on. Give me a clue?
A: Okay. It takes the form of a short rhyme. Here it is. “Rocks from the sky will test the apes’ might. When rocks land and split the Earth, the hairless apes will falter and dirge. When dust clears, the apes may not be well, but they shall be hairy again”.
That is where my conversation with God ended. He had an emergency to tend to, and I was swiftly beamed back down to Earth.