This is a list. A list of things that aren’t as good as perhaps you think they are. I will try to convince you that most of the ideas about good things in life that you’ve always had have ALWAYS been wrong. Good day to you. 😉
By the way, I only had 2 hours of sleep last night, so forgive me if this list is a bit…wacky.
1. Sex – I once had a chat to an alien from the planet Zigfarb. He was a jolly little chap and what he said about human sexual intercourse was quite enlightening. And he was right! I mean, rubbing our genitals up against the genitals of the opposite sex? What is that all about? According to this alien, our method of sex is completely impractical, unsafe, dangerous and above all, hardly the most efficient way of reproducing. He told me that the way bacteria split themselves is the best way to reproduce, and he was shocked that we didn’t evolve this far superior method.
2. Fondue – Little bits of food dipped in melted chocolate. Fattening, unhealthy and drowned in false romance. False because it’s messy and sticky.
3. Careers – The very idea that we go to school for 12 or so years, then study for an additional 3 or 4 years JUST to help secure ourselves a job that we will probably not enjoy, but pays relatively well…..is the dumbest fucking thing humans have ever come up with. Damn this system we live in.
4. Money – Bits of metal and bits of paper that control the world. Who would ever have thought that would happen!? We are ruled by money, even if we think we aren’t. Money can’t buy you happiness, but in this system we live in today, having money sure can alleviate a lot of unhappiness. The fact that we literally cannot live comfortably without coins and paper is……absurd beyond belief. I long for the inevitable apocalypse, we will have to start all over again and money will be useless. Come on, killer asteroid!
5. Happiness itself – If you think back to the moments in your life when you believed yourself to be truly happy, you probably weren’t – you probably complained all the way through those “happy” moments. I think happiness is a little treat in life, nothing more and nothing less. A little treat that very occassionally we get to experience. The idea that we should endeavour to be happy every minute of our lives is a menacing and impossible idea I think. If everybody was happy ALL the time, then comedy and humor would disappear, and that would make me rather….unhappy.
6. Alcohol – A liquid poison that a huge number of people drink in order to feel a little bit of physical pleasure. Madness! You may feel great when you’re out at night drinking, but then the next morning comes, and you want to fucking DIE! Oscar Wilde had it exactly right when he said “Work is the curse of the drinking class”.
7. Hallucinogenic Drugs – I am often told by self-proclaimed “Psychonauts” (ugh!) that I as a human being, am missing out on something truly mind-altering, some kind of hallucinogenic bliss that cannot be explained or fought against! Fuck off! I don’t want to get out of my own head, I live up here, and I’d like to keep it relatively intact if I can help it. But thanks anyway, hippies!
8. Life Goals – In my opinion, don’t set yourself any life goals. Nothing too big at least. You will either reach your goal, and feel great for a while, then slowly you’ll begin to grow more and more ambivalent about the reaching of that goal. Also, if you don’t reach your goal, you’ll be bitterly upset and possibly depressed. Instead, I implore you to live your life day by day, see how things go, then act on that. You will be more happy, trust me.
9. Lobster – I’ve had lobster before, didn’t care for it. It had no taste, just chewiness. That’s all I have to say abou……oh wait! The way that the lobsters are slowly boiled alive before they’re eaten!!!? What? Chefs are goddamn savages!
10. Religion – I may upset a large number of people here, but here goes. Religion is the deepest level of malevolent bullshit that humanity has ever conjured up. Religion is just what mental illness was called before we knew what mental illness really was, “Oh, a bush talked to you? Wow, what did the bush say”? The fact that there is no religion on Earth that puts females on a completely equal level with men clearly points to the fact that all religions are man-made. On the whole religion vs science debate, let’s just put it like this – – Sir Isaac Newton, the great scientist right? Well, he studied and wrote more about God and religion than anything he ever studied or wrote about science. But what do we remember? His science, which still holds up to this day. His religious studies however? Utter nonsense, rightly consigned to the dustbin of history. Sorry if I’ve offended any of you, but trust me, it’s not too late to abandon your religion. A life of greater beauty, freedom and wisdom awaits you here in the land of non-religion.