Today is the day. It’s time to engage the enemy.
Tomorrow, the results will be there for all or none to see.
Fire up the pulsar rockets, begin energizing the quark-gluon cannons,
First target of attack – that little Irish pub down there, Roy O’Bannons.
We’ve adopted a Blitzkrieg style of all-out warfare!
It worked out pretty well for the Nazis, right? Don’t answer that.
Everyone is a target, the lawyers, doctors, rubbish collectors, the Mayor.
FIRE! LAUNCH! WAR HAS BEGUN! NOTHING LESS THAN TOTAL INCAPACITATION!
Roy O’Bannons pub is destroyed, perfect strike,
all the drunks are running out,
well, tumbling out, more like.
This war of ours has begun, any hitches without.
These humans aren’t putting up much of a resistance,
they must be like those “French” we’ve read so much about!
They have nothing to match our quark-gluon cannons,
Their best weapons are tubes of metal filled with explosive grout!
So uncivilized, so brutal, they remind us of us,
they evolved from monkeys, violent and aggressive!
They yearn for power, control and bits of land, needless possessions.
They simply need to be done away with, like a pimple full of pus!
Day seventeen of our war on “Earth”,
the entire population has broken out into dirges.
Their resolve is broken, shattered and fucked!
Next target for attack, that building that serves mainly Peking duck!
The Chinese restaurant is extirpated with effortless ease,
the ruins are spectacular, bits flying all over the place,
chopsticks, plates, bowls, chairs and lots of grease!
We’re a totally awesome race of “aliens”, fucking shit up all throughout space!
Day ninety-one of our war on Earth,
the humans aren’t giving up as easily as we thought.
They have an intense willpower, they will not go down without a fight!
We will have to develop our plans, with a bit more brightness.
Day two-hundred and four of our war on this “Earth”,
the humans have gained substantial ground,
they’ve destroyed one of our three Motherships,
we are still trying to discover how they did this!
We’ve discovered how they did this, this unthinkable thing.
One dastardly human, disguised as one of us,
sneaked onto our Mothership, and blew up the whole ship!
We don’t understand, from what we’ve learned of humans, suicide bombing is seen as obscene!
These humans are the toughest race we’ve ever engaged,
with every small victory, they become deliciously enraged!
Their tactics are insane, they will do things no other race has done!
We may have to change tact radically, and engage them on the ground, one on one!
Day three-hundred and nine of our war on this “Earth”,
catastrophic things to report, this war has not gone well,
a small group of humans have discovered how to use our technology!
This could be the end, the end of our war on this “Earth”.
Absolutely cataclysmic things to report,
we’ve lost all three Motherships, to the humans intelligence quotient.
they are dogged, united, to no depths of defensive depravity will they not resort.
We may have to call this whole thing off, the humans are clever, and infuriatingly, in their calculated attacks, patient!
Day four -hundred of our war on “Earth”.
It’s all over. The humans have won.
They’ve successfully defended their wretched planet,
The score is now, Aliens NIL, Earth ONE!
But make no mistake about it,
we will be back,
out of the blackness of space we will emerge once more,
and you fucking humans will go through it again.
We don’t know how you won, but you did,
and we are fuming with alien anger, and to think of what we’re going to do to you in a few short centuries, to quote a robot we like, “Danger, danger, Will Humanson!”
See ya, blokes and blokettes!