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Thing I Like To Eat!

1. Italian stuff. Pizza, pasta, gelato, espresso coffee, Ferrari tyres, AC Milan football cards etc.

2. English stuff. Big, fat chips, Sunday roast, corned beef stew, English confectionery (the best in the world), a whole medley of meat pies, Guinness (Irish, and I don’t have it any more, but I only have fond memories), the misfortunes of others, English cheese, fresh roasted stiff upper lips!

3. Australian stuff. Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee (best drink on Earth), redskins (a small, red, very chewy candy, with a possibly offensive name!), Kangaroo meat (a bit jarring the first time you have it, but it just tastes like steak to be honest), sand from one of our many deserts, camel hump stew, petrol inside a 2 litre Coke bottle which has been cut in half, then attached to the face with a bit of string, you then wear it like a mask and inhale the fumes all day – please don’t do this!

4. French stuff. French women! Mmm mmm mmm! Ooh la la!

5. Spanish stuff. Only Spanish thing I like to eat are those great elongated donuts on sticks! Paella looks like rice with prawn shells thrown on top, not something I’d like to try. I would one day like to go to a football game between Real Madrid and Barcelona, I shall eat those lovely donuts on sticks while I watch Cristiano Ronaldo score 800 goals! Hala Madrid! Fuck Barcelona!

6. Chinese stuff. Nothing. Except when the Chinese try their hand at “European” style cooking. Whenever our household orders Chinese food, I always order from the European section of the menu. I usually get the crumbed chicken and chips. As talented and skillful Chinese chefs are, they really can not make properly good chips! Weird huh?

7. Japanese stuff. Absolutely nothing. And even worse, the Japanese tend not to even attempt European style food. Ah, the hell with Japanese food! Fucking raw fish inside seaweed!? What the fuck!? Is that really a thing, or is the whole world playing a joke on me!?

8. Scottish stuff. Ah, the Scottish KNOW how to eat. Deep-fried pizza, deep-fried Mars bars, Haggis, drunken vomit etc. Love Scotland!

9. American stuff. Butter, sugar, fat, grease, gristle, weak coffee, guns, fat, sugar, McDonalds (actually McDonalds is gross), food that can be taken out of a window whilst you’re inside your car!

10. Indian stuff. The only real Indian food I’m aware of is curry. And I LOVE curry. The hotter the better, pack those chillies and garlic right in there until it starts glowing white-hot! The Indians may have invented the best food ever! Good for you, India, love your work!




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October 2014
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