1. Always say you chose the Joker, when they ask you which card you were thinking of. They remove the Jokers, so you’ll annoy them right off the bat!
2. Ask them to repeat their famous “levitation” trick from lots of different angles. If they wont do this for you, then simply ask if you could hang on to them while they “levitate” so that you could get a ride down the street!
3. When they finish their trick, look unimpressed and say, “sorry man, I don’t have any money for you”.
4. Throw Holy Water (any old water will do) on them and scream “May the power of Christ compel you” over and over again right into their ears!
5. When they finish their trick, take them aside to a quiet area, and ask them, “Psst, hey look man, I may need your skills to help me get some money out of that bank that doesn’t belong to me”!
6. Spit on the floor, scratch your genitals, burp, fart, just generally look and act very ill, then when they take out their famous magician’s cloths, take them off the magician and blow your nose with them, then walk away.
7. If you’re unlucky enough to have David Blaine come to your town to stand on top of a really tall pole for days on end without food, just to taunt him, get yourself a remote-controlled helicopter, then attach a juicy hamburger to it. Fly that helicopter round his face until midnight if you have to, anything to piss that guy off is good in my books!
8. Pull your penis out and say, “Oh please Mr. magic man, make this limp noodle of mine longer and thicker”!
9. Tell them that you’re not impressed, because you had a Catholic priest make a sausage disappear inside your body when you were a young boy! (this one is filthy, sorry)
10. Tell them that no matter how amazing their magic is, they will never be able to make Liverpool Football Club win the English Premier League ever again – if the magician is a Liverpool fan, they may punch you for saying this, but it’s worth it!