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My Joke Guide To Being A Player! – – (p.s. don’t be a player, players are schmucks!)

If you’re a young man like me, and heterosexual too, you probably like the ladies quite a bit. Good for you, lad.

If you want to be viewed as a real man, then quite simply, you need to sleep with as many women as possible. It’s a sad fact that this is the way it has to be, but this IS the way it is. You need to get your genitals to rub against the genitals of the ladies of the world in order to be taken seriously out there, fellas!

If you’re a good-looking man, you’re half the way there. If you’re funny AND good-looking, then fuck you! OH sorry, I mean, you have very little to do in order to “up your numbers, player” because you’ve clearly won the lottery of life.

If, like me, you are an average looking, averagely built, low income, type of dude, then I feel for you, I really do. We guys need to develop a bit of what I like to call “personality” in order to get females to like us. We make them laugh, we make them think, we recite poetry at her until she’ll allow her pants to slip off in our presence. We have to put in the effort to get the rewards.

The Brad Pitts and George Clooneys of the world have it too easy. If Brad Pitt walked into a hairdressers, and said, “Which one of you lovely ladies wants some of the Pitt-dick?” There would certainly be willing takers, saucy minxes that inhabit hairdressers, though, so a bit of an easy example.

Here are some tips, in list form (fuckin love lists), that will help you be a real player. (tips are from friends I’ve had who womanize like crazy…….I wanted to be like them, but they sure did seem totally engulfed by chasing girls, they were pretty sad people really)

1. Figure out how to take the best possible photographs of yourself – – figure out the best angles for your face, etc.

2. Acquire “bait”. What do I mean? Well, get yourself a cute little puppy or something. Exploit the cuteness of your nieces or nephews in order to impress girls. I would say get a cool car, but in my experience, girls really aren’t too impressed by cars, but if you know a girl who loves cars, then take out a loan and rent a fucking Ferrari!

3. Tease the girl you’re interested in. Tease her in quite a lame, generic way. The type of chatter that “players” use in order to lure a girl in is almost always the most pathetic, hackneyed bullshit banter that mankind has ever created! The way “players” talk to girls is so obviously a completely manufactured type of language that they would never use in conversation with one of their guy friends, or a girl they don’t want to fuck! This is the shittiest thing that players do, they talk like utter fuckheads in the presence of a real-life woman!

4. Pretend to be a real lone-wolf type of person. Players love to portray themselves as lone-wolves, rogues, renegades etc. But, none of them are. They are all very dependent on other people’s attention and thoughts. I know for a fact that I really am a lone-wolf type of person, and that is probably why I haven’t had an intimate relationship for over 5 years – hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, I’m so alone 😉

5. Make sure that every attractive girl in your vicinity knows that other girls think you’re cool! This is so very important for those player fucks! You need to make it known to the girl you are pursuing, that other girls are texting you a lot and so on. This is a sick joke on the emotions of everybody, argh!

6. Pretend to be a lot more emotionally deep than you really are. A friend of mine was just like this. We would be playing video games together, then one of his girls would call him, he’d immediately switch from being silly, absurd, funny, to being solemn and thoughtful while talking to the girl. I wanted to stick the Xbox controller through his neck every time he did this, infuriating!

7. There is no 7, I’m tired.

Bye 😉

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beth tremaglio

Climbing, rock climbing, bouldering, inspire, soul

R. A. Douglas

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