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Football + Truckloads of Money = A Tedious, Sad and Tragic Spectacle

Association Football is a simple sport. Twenty-two men kick a ball around for 90 minutes, and at the end, the Germans win! Good old England star player, Gary Lineker, you can thank for that description of football.

Money, as I’m sure you all know is everywhere, and the amounts of money surrounding and engulfing professional football is truly, orgasmic! Ooops, sorry, I mean mindblowing – – same thing, really.

The best players in the world are valued not for their particular mastery of certain skills, except for VERY rare cases. What tends to happen, is that a player who comes along in the professional scene with just ONE particular skill – speed, dribbling, goal-scoring/poaching etc, will be sought after by the big teams in Europe, such as Real Madrid, Barcelona, Manchester United or Wycombe Wanderers!

Here is a list of the most expensive club transfers in European football history. I shall list them all, along with saying what was wrong with the immense amount of money spent on that particular player.


1. Gareth Bale (Wales) Tottenham to Real Madrid for 86 million pounds!

Gareth Bale, at Tottenham, was a very exciting player who resembled a simian monkey/ape of some sort. He’s not black, so it’s not racist! Real Madrid swooped in last year and bought him for 86 MILLION POUNDS! He was not even worth HALF of that. He didn’t do enough at Tottenham to garner that kind of price.


2. Cristiano Ronaldo (Portugal) Manchester United to Real Madrid for 80 million pounds!

This is too much money again. At Manchester, Ronaldo was spine-thrillingly good. He won player of year numerous times and he just basically raped most defenses! Again, Real Madrid swoops the fuck in and buys a brilliant player for SO MANY millions! This tactic of Madrid’s so often has ruined amazing players. They buy a great player for millions, then that player stops being so great for some reason. Sadly this has not happened to Ronaldo, he’s in fact gotten even better along with the years. This angers me………also, I want his girlfriend.

       Luis “Old Chomper” Suarez

3. Luis Suarez (Uruguay) Liverpool to Barcelona for 75 million pounds! 

This guy, I’ve always thought, is a tad overrated. Also, he bites defenders when he can’t figure out how to get past them – no joke, he really has bitten three other players! I loathe both Liverpool and Barcelona, so I’m glad that Liverpool has lost their “talismanic” player, and I can only hope that while playing for Barcelona, Luis Suarez bites the wrong person, and gets a career-ending face full of boot! I assume that most of the 75 million pounds spent on Suarez is actually an insurance on his very unique teeth!


I love football, and I hate money. One of the two is going to have to leave the equation. My theory? Yes I have a theory. Here it is…………..

Give ALL the players on a professional team a standardized weekly or fortnightly wage. If the team wins a game, they get paid double, if they lose, they get paid just the standard wage. That’s it, that’s all, nothing too crazy. Just fucking do it, FIFA, you corrupt shits!





2 thoughts on “Football + Truckloads of Money = A Tedious, Sad and Tragic Spectacle

  1. FIFA is disgraceful… 😦

    Posted by Saksham Mehrotra | July 29, 2014, 4:25 pm

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