Last Thursday night, I was relaxing on my computer. I was drinking a cold green tea, having a great time playing an online zombie-survival game called DayZ, and eating a bowlful of wine gums. Suddenly, during a raid on a rival player’s base in the game, my entire computer screen froze, turned black and then started to fizz and seemingly melt into some sort of warbling communication transmission. I was shocked, but I have seen many things far more disturbing on my computer screen! The warbling, slightly hallucinogenic looking screen began to talk to me. It spoke perfect English in an accent I couldn’t possibly begin to describe. It said quite simply, “Your planet is experiencing some technical difficulties. We will need to remove the tumorous portion of your planet. Please standby for our confirmation of this procedure’s efficacy.”
“We will remove, with intensely powerful laser-beams, the entire landmass of Russia, the entirety of the Middle East, several parts of Africa, North Korea and any bit of Earth that Justin Bieber has ever walked upon. We have surmised that your planet will never reach Level 2 (and our superiors will be VERY displeased with us if we don’t allow you to achieve Level 2 Planetary Status) without removing these cancerous, terrible landmasses. We shall let you know when we will be arriving to get this procedure underway. Please standby for further details.”
So, there you have it. This madness going on all over the world MUST stop if we are ever to progress and evolve far into the future – the Aliens told me so!