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Nightclubs, Don’t Go, Kids

In this country at least, Australia, the very SECOND you turn 18 years old, you will most likely find yourself being accosted by friends and peers and perhaps even colleagues of yours, or if you’re REALLY unlucky, an sad older family member! These people will say a very quick and pallid “Happy Day Of Birth to you!”, then they will ask you the thing they were meaning to ask you all along, they didn’t give two shits about your birthday, by the way. What they were meaning to ask you, and what they will ask you with all the vigour and sincerity that you wished they would have put into their Happy Birthday wishes, is a question that you, the recipient of said phone call, can see for the hills. This inevitable question they’ll release upon you is simply something like this………“Hey man, when are we gonna go out into town and hit up the clubs and shit?”

Ugh……..I expected you to be a bit more mature and sensible, Uncle Frank, you dirty dog!

As a 22 year old, those nightclub days are over for me. I only went out “to town” a handful of times, and each time I felt like I was walking into a human zoo, and not a nice zoo either – one of those horrible, third-world zoos that torture the animals for the entertainment of sunburned tourists. The immense noise of the stupid music, the eerie stickiness of every single surface, the impossibility of finding a place to urinate sensibly, the insulting prices of the drinks, the behaviour of the “alpha males” and the screeching voices of the drunk people, male and female! Just awful!

*Soothing David Attenborough voice*,

“Here we have the native population of Adelaide city centre on a Friday night in summer. If we look over this way, over in the distance there, we can see a group of young ladies struggling to walk together without toppling over, this is because they pain themselves with footwear called “high heels”, these high heels drastically change the appearance of the females’ legs and buttocks, this high heel technique works wonders on the male population, as you will see clearly in a few hours………..they’re also struggling to walk because they are all absolutely shitfaced on alcoholic beverages. These young ladies are on what this native population calls, a “crawl”. 

Now, over in this direction, we can see a group of young men. These males are a totally different kettle of fish. All liquored-up and also boosted by certain highly-caffeinated beverages, they operate on a hair-trigger. The tiniest little thing, tiniest little ounce of a squint of provocation, and they will SNAP! They will start fighting over a kebab as if their lives depended on it. Truly one of nature’s greatest sights. But of course, as with all red-blooded mammals in nature, these males are on the hunt! They are on the hunt for certain parts of the female’s body. Most of them will sadly fail, and they will have to skulk back home without either the acceptance of a female, OR the admiration of their fellow males. 

That, ladies and gentlemen, is a brief look at the harsh life of the youthful “Nightclubber”!”

Bye bye.    



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July 2014
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