I have no tattoos, no piercings, no waxed, shaved or trimmed area of hair either. This is clearly the default, normal type of body that a human being should have. I haven’t tampered with God’s work – and by God, I obviously mean my parents’ DNA.
Piercings are, of course, very common and they don’t bother me too much. At all, really. Big jangly earrings on a woman can be quite a nice looking accessory. An unnecessary accessory however, is a smudgy, greeny-black neck tattoo! You turn up to a job interview with a neck tattoo, or letters tattooed across your fingers that spell something cringe-worthy like “THUG LIFE” or “LIFE LOVE” or “DADS FOLT”, and you’d honestly fare better in the eyes of the interviewer if you spat in his/her coffee – even smearing your own shit all over the interviewer’s family photo would be more acceptable than showing up with a visible tattoo above the chest!
I know, almost everyone reading this will inevitably have at least one tattoo. That’s fine. It’s a free country. I would just like to know what on Earth possesses people to stab ink into their own flesh simply to have a memento of some sort. Your kids’ names tattooed on your arm? Why? If you can’t remember your own kids’ names, then you’re clearly spending too much time down at the tattoo parlor, when you could rather be playing with your kids, having fun and therefore remembering their names in the process.
I honestly hope that this trend for tattoos, super-tanned skin, bleached arseholes, hilariously fake eyelashes and so on, comes to an end very soon. I don’t hold out much hope for the human race in general, so perhaps the only thing that’ll stop the vain, consumerist masses will be an asteroid or some other apocalyptic event.
The only foreseeable problem I can……uh, foresee, is, a million years after the asteroid kills us all, alien scientists will be digging around for human remains. And every single frozen human they find will have fucking tattoos on them. The alien scientists will conclude that all human were stupid, allowing inky stains to festoon their bodies!
Not me. If and when the alien scientists find me, I shall be as bare and unstained as the naked, screaming 4 second old version of me!
Goodnight, chaps and chapesses.