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The Trouble With Humans…..

The following words were spoken to me a few days ago by a supremely intelligent life form. I, just out of human nature, called it “God”, but it didn’t like that, it got insulted and hit me across the face with a slimy appendage – which I hope was it’s arm. 

Anyway, this being possessed astounding knowledge in all aspects of life and science, and also the Motown sounds of the 1960’s. This being spoke to me, and I listened. I listened as this thing vomited out huge chunks of wisdom. Below you will be able to read what this being told me about humanity, and the human race in general. Enjoy.

Also, this supreme alien intelligence had a strikingly similar voice to Richard Burton, so you’ll only get the full impact of what it said if you read the paragraphs below in Burton’s voice. 

“The trouble with humans, you see, if that they’re all a bunch of floppy, poorly evolved, disease-ridden sacks of asymmetrical filth-sponges they call organs!

Not a day goes by when I don’t think to myself, using my brilliant twelve brains, “boy, I really wish I could’ve wiped out those walking, talking flesh-piles when I had the chance“. 

If I told you that we superior beings see humans as nothing more than a grotesque, macroscopic version of the mold you find on your puny Earth bread – would you be upset? No. Of course you wouldn’t, because your mammalian brains can scarcely comprehend the basic nature of the universe, or time, or space, or even the fucking weather patterns on YOUR OWN PLANET! Pfft…..pathetic amateurs.

A few Earth-years ago, the leading authorities on my system of planets, made some effort to invade Earth, enslave every single human being walking upon it, and use you all as targets for our younglings to practice their compulsory 3rd grade laser-archery. It is probably quite obvious to you that this invasion was called off. It was called off because during one of the very first reconnaissance missions, a spy of ours contracted a near fatal bout of what you humans call the “common cold”. Our dearly beloved spy was almost killed by those millions of tiny, killer bastards getting all up in his nose. We then hastily decided not to invade your planet, due to the vast dangers, both human sized, and common cold sized.

Anyway, I must return to my spacecraft now. It was most enjoyable speaking with you, Andrew. I am being sarcastic of course – you sicken me to my very core. I believe I shall return again to this planet quite soon, and who knows, I may meet with you a second time.

Au revoir,

 – ah, that reminds me, the tribe you call “French” on your planet taught me a very interesting technique involving my mouth appendage. Would you like to see how this technique works? No? Okay, don’t have to be rude about it, Andrew.





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