Written and produced by Andrew “No Job” Llewellyn
Behold, as a man with no formal knowledge of how to even begin the process of writing a proper treatise, ventures to investigate and expose the shadily questionable business practices of a large section of the world’s employers, as well as their propensity for incompetence in the areas of human resources and the taking on of brand new employees.
If you haven’t already noticed, I’m without luck. I have not been able to secure an airtight job after 6 months of searching. I do in fact have a job – it’s just not a job that any worthwhile human being should ever have to resign themselves to for any extended period of time. I still have the exact same job I had since the 11th grade of High School. This measly, pathetic “job” that I am partially thankful for, taxes me enormously by asking me to come into the supermarket for a mere three to four hours a week – my employers then splash into my bank account the frankly gratuitous sum of 80 dollars most weeks, or a smidgeon over 100 dollars if the shift goes 15 minutes over four hours.
Now, I am fully aware that many, many people have it worse off than me. They may have no income coming in at all, or they might be dangerously addicted gamblers or they may be disabled in some way. I know, in the vast scheme of things, I am very, very lucky. But, I have to give you an overview of my particular predicament, because I think that’s what’s required for a budding treatise writer for people to take him seriously at all.
In regards to employers and their repugnant ways of dealing with desperate people in search of a way to put food on the table and whiskey in the bloodstream; they don’t care about us. At all!
The people who interrogate you at job interviews don’t really care about you. They, by hook or by crook, have achieved a certain level of security and authority within their shitty company, and so they will naturally see you, the pleading job-seeker wearing a hand-me-down suit and tie, as their slimy inferior. Because they’ve reached a point in their career where they have earned the right to interrogate young hopefuls, they genuinely believe that they have an impenetrable fortress of wit and insight. They think that a brief, ten minute exchange can tell them everything they could ever know about a person – a person who is nervous and money-starved to the point where they may be sweating uncontrollably and shaking (don’t you dare mistake this for alcoholism, employers).
The universally loathed “job interview” is a very interesting thing indeed. The list of certain things you definitely should NOT do at a job interview is as long as Rasputin’s lifelong unemployed penis – about 11 inches flaccid, if anyone cares to know.
List will be with you dear readers in a short time. Thanks for reading this far.