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Have We Got The Bible All Wrong?

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The Bible is not a book of truth – rather, it is the single greatest and most influential work of satire/comedy ever written. This is my contention; I will explain my reasons in a very obtuse and solipsistic way below.

Well, first of all, it is my “faith” that the Bible is a work of comedic writing. Because it is my “faith”, I will most likely never be shaken of that belief, no matter how much counter-evidence is introduced.

Secondly, I have evidence that I can’t really explain to support my belief that the Bible is a work of humourous fiction. This isn’t evidence that science can prove or disprove – rather, it is a form of evidence that has been revealed to me via experience and revelation. You need to experience that revelation for yourself to be convinced. Just as science cannot prove that love truly exists – similarly, no one can prove or disprove my belief that the Bible was written for a joke by some funny dudes in any real, scientific sense.

Thirdly, whenever I meet a person who doesn’t believe that the Bible is a work of satirical fiction, I secretly judge them and I know deep down in my heart (which arose through God’s innate sense of humour, by the way. What a funny dude He is!) that they will probably be punished in the afterlife for not believing in the Divine Comedy that is the Bible. When these unbelievers die, they will probably be eternally tortured by maniacal clowns, who are actually funny, in a smoke-filled, crumbling comedy club (the worst punishment imaginable, right). I feel very sad for these unbelievers, because they don’t acknowledge the great work done by believers in the Satire Bible religion. How can they have any real sense of right and wrong without believing in Satire Biblicalism?

If you’re getting angry right now, just calm down, because the above three paragraphs were not serious. They were attempts to use the same stock arguments that many, many religious people use to support their genuine beliefs in whichever religion they cling to like shit on Velcro. I’m not saying all religious people are comparable to shit, but there are just too many examples of shitty behaviour within various religions. I know you’ll say: “Well, when a religious person acts in a shitty way, it’s not the religion’s fault. It’s their fault for being shitty people in the first place”. Now, this may be true in many cases, but the outright shitty behaviour of the Catholic Church, for example, makes my skin crawl off my body and create a skin-shield around my private parts, just in case a wayward priest becomes interested in them. The shitty behaviour of the Catholic Church is widespread and worldwide, AND their outrageous antics have been covered up by numerous authorities within the Vatican (I think their leader is called the “Poop” or something like that).

Anyway, back to my main premise. I think that the Bible (Old and New Testaments) is actually a work of satire, or humourous fiction if you will. I know I can’t prove this because I can’t summon up any real evidence to support this theory. But genuine Bible believers can’t provide any evidence to support their idea that the Bible is the true word of God. Both our theories are equally viable, I feel.

It makes a lot of sense to think that the Bible would be a work of satire/humour. First of all, it’s got all the nasty, horrific stuff that we all know – stoning homosexuals to death, Lott’s wife turning into stone, women having NO rights, children having NO rights etc. It’s all horrible stuff. But, some of it is just SO wacky that I simply can’t imagine a group of seriously earnest scholars coming up with it, or rather dictating it from God/Jesus.

During very troubled times in cultures all over the world and all throughout history, satirists and comedians have risen up and made fun of the ruling class of people, often at the cost of their own lives. A recent example would be the “Beyond the Fringe” team of comedians and performers who took late 50’s, early 60’s Britain by storm. They were well educated, well spoken, intelligent young men who made fun of the Conservative post-WW2 British government. Amongst their ranks was Peter Cook, probably the funniest man who ever lived. Cook was an upper middle class, public school boy who grew up in a very Conservative way. He grew up within the very class that he eventually demolished with his savage wit!

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Beyond the Fringe. A group of satirists.

Similarly with the people who wrote the Bible. They would have been very fortunate, relatively wealthy people in the era that they lived in, because they knew how to read and write – almost nobody back then knew how to read or write back then. So, these writers had the tools in their arsenal to strike a blow against the dominant classes. I think that these writers saw that a new, exciting religion/idea was gaining more and more dominance, and so they sought to make fun of it. They sought to make fun of it by fabricating incredibly extreme, made-up rituals and ceremonies that involved scapegoating and human sacrifice. It’s just awful bad luck that many billions of people throughout history have chosen to believe wholeheartedly in this book of fictional humour, very bad luck indeed. Look where it’s got us!

Yours Truly,

Lucifer J. Satansmith

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