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FAQ For Meat-Eaters

Q: Hello?

A: Hi there.

Q: Do you eat meat?

A: Why yes I do. But this is a strange question to ask a person in a bank queue.

Q: How can you eat meat?

A: With a knife and fork, usually. 

Q: No, I mean, it’s cruel to eat animals, don’t you think?

A: I suppose it’s not ethical to have to kill animals in order to eat. I’m not sure if I could kill an animal if I absolutely had to for food. But wherever you go on Earth, you’ll meet people, vibrant happy people who offer you their local food. And saying no to their meat is like saying “fuck you!” Now, excuse me, I need to talk to this bank teller. We’ll continue this conversation in a few minutes.

Q: So, would you consider a vegetarian or vegan diet?

A: Well, not really, not at the moment. Vitamin B12 for example, can only be obtained through animal protein. I may very well be vitamin B12 deficient, and if I was vegan, I’d have no way of getting that sweet, sweet B12. If science invented a pill or tablet that contained all of your daily nutrient requirements, then rest assured, I’d surely stop eating meat. But until then, meat is the easiest, most efficient way to get the vital things you need.

Q: Quite honestly, you make me sick, sir! 

A: If it makes you feel any better, I always cook my steak very, very well. I char it almost to the point where you can’t tell it was once part of a cow!

Q: How do you sleep at night!? 

A: Very easily, because of all that tryptophan in the turkey sandwich I have for supper!

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