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Actors! Die now, please. Or at least play dead.

“Calculon” of Futurama fame. The perfect parody of actors and acting!


Actors are revered in our society to such an extent, that now even on respectable “news” programs, actors can come on and say, “This new role I’m undertaking is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but at the same time, I feel it’s incredibly worthwhile and a truly great experience”. I can translate this for you right now. What they really mean by a sentence like the one above is, “This new job I’ve been asked to do for absurd amounts of money is very very rewarding in terms of MONEY! And, I shall become even more famous than I am now”. Not only are these actors allowed on to respectable shows to say such vile things, but they aren’t challenged on their lack of contribution to the human race. Very respectable journalists like Christopher Hitchens, have even been on the record singing praise for various actors. If an intellectual giant like Hitchens could be fooled by the allure of acting and actors, then what hope do the rest of us mere mortals have!?

Don’t get me wrong, I like certain actors. I admire a few of them for their works of pure, heartwarming theatrical art that can evoke such emotions from my cynical, drunken brain-box. Well, that’s going a bit too far, I like certain actors, I’ll just stay with that. Sir Ian McKellan for example, I like. He’s just about the only actor you will have heard of. Others I like are Stephen Mangan, Paul Whitehouse, Robert Webb and a few special others who work in the adult entertainment industry. These actors are all English. I don’t know what that says about actors from other countries, actually I know exactly what it says. The American actors are generally too obnoxious and loud. The Canadian actors are too friendly and shivering, and the Australian actors are too drunk and unknown. There must be something about the English style of acting, the history of Shakespeare and so on, that breeds humility and decency among English/Scottish/Irish and Welsh actors.

Tom Cruise*blurrgh* is the epitome of the useless modern actor. He hasn’t  given a decent film performance since “Born on the Fourth of July”. The moment  Cruise walks on to a talk show, the audience mess their pants with excitement.  Then, he talks to the host, this is where the disappointment sets in, because he’s  not a terribly funny person, he’s not very interesting either, which is strange  because he SHOULD be interesting – he drives Formula One cars and flies  helicopters down to the shops to buy some milk. But even still, he’s not very  interesting.

The modern actor is a strange beast. They are praised and given millions of  dollars for pretending to be something they’re not. They are professional liars. Politicians are also professional liars, but they don’t talk endlessly about how being a politician is so hard and challenging, they just kill innocent people and accept bribes regularly.

This way of life for the modern actor must be very damaging to their clearly smaller than average brains. Thinking that you’re the best person on the planet because you dress up like Abraham Lincoln and pretend to be him for two and a half hours, doesn’t follow whatsoever. If I, a non-actor, dressed up as Lincoln and pretended to be him, I’d be taken to a mental hospital against my will. I’d say, “No I’m not crazy”, which is exactly what crazy people say, by the way.

If I was in charge of the world, which I will be one day, I’d send qualified psychiatrists and psychologists to a few random theaters and film studios in order to diagnose whatever number of actors they deem to be mentally unstable. Gradually all the actors in the world would be housed in mental hospitals. Without actors in the world, the world’s news programs could get back to telling us the REAL news stories that are going on.

And, as a final little glint of happiness, I would organize theater productions within the enormous mental hospital that houses all the world’s actors. These theater productions would feature the ensemble cast of the millennium. Richard Gere, Patrick Stewart, Ricky Gervais, Ben Affleck and all the other actors you’ve all heard of will be forced to perform the classic films in history. If you’re an actor reading this, I’m not entirely sorry for writing it. In all honesty, you actors would do better for the human race if you just stayed being waiters/waitresses and janitors. Sorry if that sound harsh, I’m telling you this for your own good.

Good Luck, Ciao.  



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