You are about to read an account written by a man I once knew. It tells the tale of how he became a different person when he started university, and how a very strange man changed his life forever. Interesting stuff.
“Getting to be a University person guy……….
I’ll be honest here, I didn’t do very well in High School. I passed Year 12, but didn’t do well enough to earn a place at a University. I’d never really planned on going to a University, but a lot of my friends were planning on it. So, a few years after my graduation, I decided that I would quite like to go to a University. The STAT test was what I did, I only just passed that test, but never followed up on my enrollment to the University of Adelaide because of my crippling social anxiety and wayward brain-box I had at that time.
Four years after my High School graduation, I ventured into the local TAFE campus to apply for a place in the “foundation course” that Flinders University offered to dumbass people like me who didn’t succeed in the kill-or-be-killed, relentless retention of facts and exam answer world of High School.
When I enrolled and entered Flinders University, I was shocked and stunned by the snobby demeanor of the other students. They spoke in a way that made me call them “gay” and “rich fags”. This loutish behaviour of mine was noticed immediately by the head-honchos of the University. They called me into their little clan base. They berated me and mentally tortured me by bringing up the memory of my squalid working-class upbringing. I was made to feel inferior and worthless. From that moment on, I was inculcated into the intellectual world of the University.
Now, being a member of the University sophisticate, I changed my dress sense. I now wore tight jeans and low Nike sneakers. My eyes were in perfect condition, but I still affected a pair of black rimmed glasses. A maroon cardigan became my inseparable best friend. The girls at the campus just ate this Hipster look right up. I was on the verge of impregnating every other girl in the University. Until one fine September day, my life was sent into a tailspin.
I was walking down the main pebble-stone pathway in the fine campus of Flinders University, when I saw a sight so horrifying, so terrifying, I literally dropped my Latte Mocha Frappacino on the ground!
A janitor had taken his pants off and had started to wave his “purple headed yogurt monster” around at all the passers-by. This man looked like he had a problem with alcohol, nicotine and possibly meth. This man had clearly never been a student of higher learning. He had the sort of uncouth belligerence that only a working class person would exude. In my deepest, most authoritative voice, “Stop it right now, Sir. Put your penis back into your trousers and leave me be. I’m late for a recital of obscure Serbian poetry, and you are in my way. Go away”. The awful man did indeed go away, but he waved goodbye to me…..with his penis! I was so repulsed I nearly regurgitated my salt-reduced rice cakes up.
Shocked and shaking with fear, I entered the theater to listen to a reading of some very good obscure Serbian poetry. I didn’t understand Serbian, but I was told that I could read along with an English translation. So, as I got myself ready to listen, I sat down and took my black rimmed glasses off(because I can’t read with them on). I opened the book of poetry and waited for the author to show up. To my utter terror, the janitor with the penis problem walked onto the stage
and took his seat. He opened the book of poetry in front of him, and began to read the poetry with a charming and beautiful voice. I sat there, I listened to him read, I read along with the English translation, and I cried tears of happiness because of the sheer beauty of the words.
From that moment on, my life was changed. This disgusting bastard of a man had showed me that behaving like an animal and having a sloppy dress sense wasn’t actually the end of the world. He was clearly a genius, yet he also had the self confidence to wave his private parts at people. He didn’t have a care in the world. When I left the poetry reading, I threw my hipster glasses in the bin, whereupon a flock of Hipsters dived into the bin to recover them. I took my silly cardigan off and then put on an old, dirty Liverpool F.C. shirt and then I walked into a McDonalds restaurant and ordered an enormous heart-attack inducing meal. I felt so happy with my new working class lifestyle. I embraced the lifestyle of the inarticulate slob. And just think, the person I have to thank for my new-found happiness was a drunk Serbian poet wearing a janitor’s outfit who had a habit of waving his penis at random people. Ah, life is a funny thing isn’t it?!”
What a heart warming story that was, thank me later, your life is now changed whether you wanted it to be or not! Mwuahahahaha.